smack smack...don't talk back

El: You'd better stop talking back....

Mike: or what?

El: I will have to start having to teach you a lesson.

Mike: Are you going to beat me?

El: With a fly swatter.
       I would make you drop trow and I would whip your balls with a fly swatter.

Mike: That's not where I thought you were going to go with that......

El: (giggle giggle...)

Changing Religion

Me: "Honey?"

Michael " Yes Dear?"

"if you wanted to change say go Mormon, I would do that?"

"Really? you would let me have two wives?"

"Sure, I'll take the day shift and she can have the night!"
Ellie: Did you call your sister and congratulate them about having a boy?

Hubby: No not yet

"Man are they in for a surprise"


"Having a girl and then a boy"...."The girls get hard when the boys come into the picture"

"Really?...... I thought it was the other way around"

Ellie pauses.... thinks about it... "that's not what I meant"...

Dang folks..hubby made a funny

hubby, mommy, crabs and crack!

Hubby: "Hey Honey Tell your mom I want crabs for father's day"

Ellie : "I can give you crabs"

"Well I hope not"

"Oh but you can go and get crabs from my mother?"

( ellie Ring ring..calling mom)

" Mom, Mike says he wants crabs for father's day"

Mom: "What??? He wants crack for Father's day???" ( mom must be deaf)


" Well Tell him to go out and get a ho! I don't have crabs!!!"

Laughter ensues!!!

Conversations with Best Friends Hubby

I can't remember how it exactly started. I think it was in regards to his wife being bitchy b/c her monthly came to visit...shit listen to me 'her monthly' I sound like a friggin grandma. Any way..nuff bashing myself.
During the conversation with best friend's hubby, He mentioned that time of the month and how it was a good thing dogs 'didn't bleed'. I asked 'what do you mean'...his reply "It's a good thing dogs don't bleed, you know get their periods'.

"Are you kidding me?"


(I bust out in hysterical laughter)

"What?" he says "Maggie has never gotten hers"

" uh Chris.. Maggie is spayed dear. Ang fixed it so that didn't happen"

-uncomfortable silence on the other end-

Then my husband grabs the phone and starts jonesing on the guy and then goes into a full length conversation about my dog's periods... and his brothers dog who is a Great Dane and how it looks like a bloody massacre when she gets hers... and blah blah blah.

So all the while, I am listening..and I think to myself "Is this what guy's talk about?"

There is always speculation about what we chicks talk about behind our husband's backs...and believe me, we talk about your penis size, your stamina, your work ethic...EVERYTHING...and you talk about what "our periods"...HA!

Mom's kickin' ass

Can you believe we actually got into a conversation about who's mom could kick the other's mom's ass? Really... I still maintain my mother could kick his mother's ass anyday. My mother in law is quick whitted...with words, after all she is a New Yorker, so if you got into a verbal argument with her, you would probably run away bawling your eyes out in humiliation. No lie. BUT, my mom wouldn't stand for trash talk, after all she comes from a family with 6 sisters all only a year or two apart. They grew up in the south where if you talked trash about someone in the family, you wouldn't have one girl to deal with, you would be dealing with all 6 of them. Not to say that my mother doesn't know a thing or two about southern hospitality, but she knows a thing or two about sticking up for your own as well. It's so funny b/c she is a throw back from the 70's. A small hippie chick southern bell w/ a Mike Tyson punch.

Needless to say, the only way hubby was going to win that argument was to throw me on the bed and have his way with me. "Who has the power now?" he asks... I let him believe it was him. That is what wives do...isn't it?

Fish & Fertilization

Hubby : Come here and let me give you something
Me: Maybe tonight...later..
Hubby: You mean we can actually do it tonight?
Me: I wonder why God made it so you 'have to do it'... why could we be like frogs?
Where we wouldn't have to do it, I could just pop some eggs out and you could fertalize them

Hubby: You mean fish dear...
Me: Oh yeah, fish..
Hubby: But then you would have to go upstream and die.
Me: All fish swim up stream a die after?
Hubby: No ..just salmon.. I think
Me: Imagine all the crime that would be eliminated if we didn't have those urges to do it
Hubby: Then everyone would go around fertalizing. (then he starts imitating fertilization)
Me: I am going to write this up on my blog

Hubby throws his hands up in the air!

Caught by Mommy in Law

So I decided to go home for lunch today b/c hubby got home early. I was thinking, peace and quiet with no babies to care for, for an hour would be nice. Hubby was thinking of the song afternoon delight. So I used it to my advantage and had hubby make me my sandwich, followed by a request for ice is the conversation BEWARE it's a bit TMI..
you have been warned
Me : "Hunny, make me a small bowl of ice cream with lots of chocolate on top, please"
Hubby: "I'm not getting up to get you ice cream"
"Please" and I smile
"Okay if you sit on my ****"
'Sure, after you get my ice cream and I eat it"
"I want you to do with while eating your ice cream" and he giggles
"No I am going to eat my ice cream first then I will sit on you ****"
"No your not, I know you, you will trick me"
"No I won't, I promise"
"No pants on either, you have to sit on my **** with no pants!"
"I promise, just the way you want it"
He gets up to get my ice cream and just then the phone rings and I answer
'Elnora?" it's my mother in law
"Yeah what's up?"
"Ummm, you might want to tell Michael to turn off his cell phone, he just called the office and I could hear the two of you talking!" and she was holding back a big ole laugh
Michael had his phone in his pocket and he accidently somehow hit the call button, which it just so happened the last place he called was my office, and I just so happen to work with my mother in law....oh dear!

Poo Poo Stain

Ellie "I called Chem Dry, they want $200 to clean the dog pee off the carpet, if we do just regular cleaning it's $90"
Hubby: "Shit, what is the other $110 for?"
Ellie: " She said she had to saturate the carpet with the chemical"
Hubby " I'll saturate the carpet with my chemical for $110 dollars!! Shit, if it costs $200 to get piss out the carpet I wonder what theyda charge for a dump!"
Ellie : "it's the same cost"
Hubby : "I should take a big ole' dump on the carpet and leave it there and see what they say. The woman would be like " Oh My Gawd, Whuts that? and I would say "don't know, maybe the dawg did it!"
At this point I did a 'giggle giggle snort snort. I was searching the net for carpet people to call and I found one, at that point, I said to hubby:
"Here's one right up the street from us.. Top 2 Bottom Carpet cleaners!... look honey, they will clean my top carpet then move on to my bottom!"

Both of us just couldn't stop laughin!

Dirty Money

Okay, so I am taking a real chance might hate me for life, but I just have to tell.
So hubby and I were in the drive thru of Starbucks and he starts stroking my face. I turn and see he is stroking my face with money. I was like... dude, do you know how dirty money is? and the conversation goes:

"Oh whatever"
"Yeah but think of how many people's hands have touched it over the thrity years it's been around."
"It's not like people rub their balls on it"
I started laughing and said "I dare you"
"Dare me what"
"Rub your balls with it and give it to the cashier"
Hubby then rubs the money in his crotch area and I stopped him and said "NO...I mean really rub it, you know on the bare balls"
Hubby unzips and sticks the bills down his pants...and got way too into it. Then the cars started moving.
The cashier sticks his head out the window "$3.92...hubby hands him the money....Thanks have a great day" the guys says.
I am in the car about to piss my pants I am laughing so hard.
Mike smiles to the guy.. "Hey man, you have a great day too!"
And we drive off.

I wonder if the car behind us got our change with his coffee and muffin?

Sorry guys...I had to share, it was just one of those things that brought you back to your highschool days.